If I Die Young.

If I die today, tomorrow, days after today or whenever, really. I want everyone that matters to know that I'm happy and I am more than contented, and grateful for everyone.

5 years after, I am here again. My head hurts, my heart is pounding so fast, I hear voices, my body aches. I thought I was over it, I thought all of these are long forgotten already.

If I die, I don't want anyone, and I mean no one, to cry. My life is a blessing, if not to anyone else, then I can say that it has been a blessing for me.

I want to wear my casual clothes in my burial, Ivann would know what that is. It should be simple. I don't want my Parents, especially my Nanay, spending money on it. I spent too much of that in my lifetime already.

I wanna be cremated. I want people to be able to get a piece of me, people who wants to, of course.

Violet.

If you read this, and if I am gone, please hug my family for me. Tell them that I love all of them. Tell Nanay how much I love her, how thankful I am for having her as my Nanay. Tell my brothers to always take care of my Nanay and Ate, tell them that I am so proud of what they've became. Tell my sister to always take care, that she is my idol and I adore her more than anyone else. Lastly, please hug my father for me, tell him that I apologize  for whatever I did wrong, that I am very sorry and I love him.

Tell them how much I love them, until the last day and even after that.

I am hurting. I am hurting and I don't have anyone else to talk to. I wanna be strong, but I don't know if I can do it anymore..

Better life.

Circumstances in life thought me to be the person I am right now. Lessons ; I learned a lot of those all through out my life and I can say that it made me a much better person.

All I ever wanted before was to impress everyone around me, to make them love me, even if all I was saying to them was full of bull. I know, not a good move. But that's what my friends and people around me taught me. All I did was please them and make them happy, and I can say that I wasn't even happy and proud of the person I was before.

It caused my life. When they learned that I was just sugar coating everything about my life and that I was not the person I am pretending to be around them.... They left me. Alone. All by my self.

That caused me to be depressed. I was suicidal and all I did was cry and sleep. It was not a good year.

I am not posting this here for people to pity me. It's just a move I really wanted to do even before. I am brave enough to post it now and let everyone know about my life. Maybe someone will get to read this, maybe it can help them. Maybe.

I want everyone to know that life is not supposed to be fair. You can't sugar coat everything about it and you don't have to please everyone, you can't let their happiness go first before your very own happiness. This is your life. Be happy.

with love,
Lily J.