If I Die Young.

If I die today, tomorrow, days after today or whenever, really. I want everyone that matters to know that I'm happy and I am more than contented, and grateful for everyone.

5 years after, I am here again. My head hurts, my heart is pounding so fast, I hear voices, my body aches. I thought I was over it, I thought all of these are long forgotten already.

If I die, I don't want anyone, and I mean no one, to cry. My life is a blessing, if not to anyone else, then I can say that it has been a blessing for me.

I want to wear my casual clothes in my burial, Ivann would know what that is. It should be simple. I don't want my Parents, especially my Nanay, spending money on it. I spent too much of that in my lifetime already.

I wanna be cremated. I want people to be able to get a piece of me, people who wants to, of course.

Violet.

If you read this, and if I am gone, please hug my family for me. Tell them that I love all of them. Tell Nanay how much I love her, how thankful I am for having her as my Nanay. Tell my brothers to always take care of my Nanay and Ate, tell them that I am so proud of what they've became. Tell my sister to always take care, that she is my idol and I adore her more than anyone else. Lastly, please hug my father for me, tell him that I apologize  for whatever I did wrong, that I am very sorry and I love him.

Tell them how much I love them, until the last day and even after that.

I am hurting. I am hurting and I don't have anyone else to talk to. I wanna be strong, but I don't know if I can do it anymore..

I survived my self.

Few years back, I was a mess. All I did was stay in my room, watch Korean series and movies all day, sleep, eat and sleep again. I didn't talk to anyone beside my Mom. All I did was sleep because when I'm awake, my brain kept on thinking about how messed up my life was and all I wanna do is just end my life. Suicide. I was suicidal. I prayed, I prayed and asked HIM to just take me. I was a mess.

Fast forward to today, I am thankful. I am happy. My life is not where I wanted it to be right now, I feel stressed out sometimes, but I am thankful and happy. I am trying. I survived.

Looking back to that part of my life, I don't laugh about it, I can't. I don't even tell it to anyone. Instead I use it to focus and motivate my self to be the better person that I have to be.

It was hard, I can say that it was the hardest part of my life. I don't wanna go back to that version of my self. I still cringe whenever I think about it. I feel the heaviness I felt that time.

I am a better person. I am thankful. I am happy. That's what matters most right now. I pray not for the same reason I prayed before, I pray to thank HIM for the blessings he gave me and for HIS guidance. For the blessing of Family, Friends and for not giving up on me when I was questioning HIM.

with love,
Lily J.